Thank you for this opportunity to tap into your many years of experience. My question has to do with my husband and me. He loves boating and I love tennis. The problem is that I resent him for wanting to go out on the boat constantly, and never is he willing to play tennis with me anymore. And he resents me for just the opposite reason. I want to play tennis regularly and am not interested in going on the boat more than occasionally. Why do we have so much negative energy around this? It affects our whole relationship.
Thank you, Tina
Let’s look deeper at the psychology behind this challenge that you and your husband are experiencing. Have you ever heard the statement, “Your wants are your haunts”? The problem with desires that are not satisfied enough is that they cause internal disruption that we then express outwardly.
In you and your husband’s case, because each of your desires hampers the fulfillment of the other’s desire – it is causing a relationship of hostility. You feel painfully chained to his desire when you go boating with him, and he feels painfully chained to your desire when you insist that he plays tennis with you.
It’s only when you stop using your desires as wedges that separate you, will you be able to understand one another and be peacefully free to go boating and play tennis together. The problem is that both of you are insisting you get what you want more than working on your relationship.
What is more important to you – tennis or your relationship with your husband? What is more important to him – boating or his relationship with you?
Notice how you irk one another. Look at the 1,000 small comments you make that demonstrate your resentment for his love of boating, and help him to notice the 1,000 small comments he makes that demonstrates his resentment for your love of tennis. Right there is a great start.